Introduction: The Complexity of Human Connections
In a world where we weave through the complexities of human connections, it is perhaps a little too easy to forget that the only person we truly know is ourselves. Everyone else—friends, family members, colleagues, and lovers—are, in a sense, unfamiliar and unpredictable entities that we attempt to bring into our lives. We think of them as extensions of our desires, functions in the greater machinery of our day-to-day existence. But perhaps, relationships are less like the human connections we idealize and more like machines we expect to perform specific tasks for us.
Relationships as Machines
Imagine, for a moment, that every person you let into your world is a gadget. When you purchase a new device, you have a specific purpose in mind: perhaps it’s a coffee maker to warm your mornings, a phone to streamline your communication, or a vacuum cleaner to keep things tidy. You spend your money, you take it home, and you expect it to work the way you envisioned. But then, disappointment sets in. The coffee maker doesn’t brew quite the way you hoped; the phone’s battery drains too quickly; the vacuum cleaner can’t reach that stubborn corner. What do you do? Most of the time, you take it back, demanding a refund.
Yet, with human beings, the transaction is different. The energy you invest isn’t monetary—it’s emotional, woven from your time, hopes, and vulnerabilities. When a human “machine” fails to meet your expectations, there’s no customer service desk, no easy return policy. You’re left holding onto something that was never designed to perform in the way you demanded.
The Trap of Expectations
We get into relationships—whether romantic, familial, or platonic—with the same hope that we attach to a shiny new gadget. We want it to serve a purpose, to fulfill a need, to fix some broken part of ourselves. And just like we don’t choose our starting equipment—our family members—we often try to make do, repurposing, forcing, cajoling these machines into roles they were never built for. The difference here, the one that traps us, is that we can’t easily let these human gadgets go. The reason? The price we pay is our very essence: the energy that moves us, our emotions and feelings, the parts of ourselves that we’ve infused into them.
The Emotional Cost of Loss
This is where things get complicated. While a faulty vacuum is easy to discard, a person who disappoints us leaves a gap that is far harder to reconcile. You see, the way we value loss and gain is skewed—like a strange equation that never balances out. If you gain something, say a dollar, it gives you one unit of happiness. But if you lose something you already had, even if it’s just that same dollar, the sadness is doubled. The anguish of losing what we thought was ours burns twice as deeply as the joy of gaining it in the first place.
This is what the Zeigarnik effect teaches us: unfinished tasks, unresolved feelings—they cling to us like shadows, haunting the corners of our mind. So when we let someone go, it’s not just the person we’re releasing; it’s all the hope, all the dreams, and all the imagined futures that person represented.
Machines Can’t Be Reprogrammed
But here’s the catch: we cannot change people to fit into the molds we design for them, not unless they wish to change themselves. Machines can be tinkered with, reprogrammed, and upgraded. Human beings cannot. If they act in ways that surprise or hurt us, it is not because they are malfunctioning. They are simply running their own software, following their own programming. Our expectations, no matter how reasonable they seem, are not part of their operating manual.
The Choice to Let Go or Accept
So what do we do when the person we thought would light up our world turns out to be a dim bulb, when the friend who was supposed to vacuum up our sorrows merely scatters them further? We have a choice: we can try to return the gadget—walk away, if that’s possible—or we can let go of our expectations and appreciate what they can offer. Perhaps, like an outdated lamp, they don’t light up the entire room, but cast a soft glow that’s gentle and comforting. Perhaps, like a clunky radio, they don’t have Bluetooth or modern features, but they still play a tune that reminds you of simpler times.
Or maybe, just maybe, we keep them around simply because they are beautiful in their own strange, imperfect way. After all, not every machine needs a purpose. Some just need a place where they are valued for what they are, rather than for what we want them to be.
The Real Question
The question then isn’t why we can’t let go, but rather, why we ever tried to hold on so tightly in the first place. Because in the end, a machine that doesn’t work for you is not a failed investment—it’s simply a reminder that sometimes, it’s not the machine that’s flawed. It’s our inability to see beyond our own desires, to accept the hum of a device we never took the time to truly understand.
Personal Reflection Questionnaire: Understanding the Machines in Our Lives
Section 1: Identifying the Gadgets
- Think of a person who has had a significant impact on your life. If this person were a gadget, what kind of device would they be?
Example: A reliable old radio, a flashy smartphone, a comforting coffee maker, or something else? - Why did you choose this specific gadget to describe them?
What qualities or functions does it symbolize for you? - What expectations did you have for this “gadget” when you first brought them into your life?
List the three most important things you hoped they would bring to your world.
Section 2: The Manual of Expectations
- Did this person meet your initial expectations? If yes, how? If no, what was lacking?
- Were your expectations communicated clearly, or were they based on unspoken hopes?
Did you have a “manual” for them that they were unaware of? - If you could rewrite the manual for this “gadget,” what would you include or change about their expected roles?
Example: Adjusting the “settings” to focus on support instead of advice.
Section 3: The Price of Investment
- How much emotional energy have you invested in this relationship?
Rate on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = very little, 10 = deeply invested). - Have you ever felt the urge to “return” this person or “exchange” them for a different model?
If yes, what triggered that thought? If no, what kept you invested? - What was the most challenging part of accepting their flaws or limitations?
- What qualities or moments made you decide to keep this “gadget” in your life despite the challenges?
Describe a memory where they “worked” perfectly for you.
Section 4: Unfinished Tasks and Emotional Shadows
- Do you have unresolved feelings or “unfinished tasks” with this person?
If so, what’s the one thing you wish you could have said or done differently? - Imagine if this person were to leave your life today. What would you miss the most?
Would it be a feature, a memory, or the familiarity they brought? - What has been the hardest part of letting go of people who didn’t fit your “operating manual” in the past?
Section 5: Reprogramming and Acceptance
- Can you identify a moment when you tried to “reprogram” someone to meet your needs?
Describe what happened and how it affected the relationship. - Have you ever felt someone tried to do the same to you? How did you respond?
- If you could completely “reboot” this relationship without expectations, what would it look like?
Describe a scenario where both of you are simply yourselves, without any roles or labels.
Section 6: Embracing the Beauty of Imperfection
- What is the most “imperfect” part of this person that you’ve come to value?
- If you were to describe this person as a gadget without a purpose—simply as something beautiful—what would they be?
A quirky lava lamp? A wind-up music box? - What have you learned about yourself from this relationship?
- How do you think this relationship has shaped your “user manual” for future connections?
Final Reflection
Take a moment to think about all the people in your life who resemble “machines” in some way. Which ones are still functioning well? Which ones are outdated but cherished? And which ones have been returned to the “store”?
What does this say about the way you approach and value human relationships? Use these reflections to better understand the true value of your connections—not just as means to an end, but as complex, intricate devices that enrich your life in ways you might not have initially recognized.
Author: Junaid Khan
Behavioral Change & Growth Consultant
Website: Junaidkhan.net